From Russia with Love
by ImpaledPrince
Summary: Nekozawa has finally cured his photophobia, but that's not the only thing different about him now. He's accidentally turned himself into a girl in the process! Follow "Ulyana" Nekozawa as he (she?) learns to deal with clueless boys, realize what it means to act like a lady, buy sexy lingerie without fainting, and maybe even find true love in the midst of it all.
1. Chapter 1

**From Russia with Love**

**Chapter 1**

Surprise! I've been working on a new genderswapping story with Nekozawa! I think he makes a pretty good girl as he is, I'd love seeing that boy in a nightie with a coy...sorry, sorry getting a tad off-topic there. Don't worry about the M rating, it's merely for the foul language and general perviness, there will no disturbing content or actual sex simply for the sake of having a graphic sex scene. **(Revision: I realize a few hours after uploading that if I simply censor some of the dirtier words it actually fits nicely within a T rating. Hence I'm dropping the rating from M to T.)**

In case you were worried no I am not abandoning my Cloak and Dagger fanfic, I will be working on these two stories in tandem. So read on, and remember, Rule 63 is the only rule in life worth following.

* * *

There are twelve simple words that are dreaded equally in the normally very separate careers of bomb disposal, brain surgery, extreme sports, and chemical weapons testing: _"Oh f*ck oh f*ck oh f*ck, I didn't mean to do that!"_

"...whooosh-"

"-hissss-sS-SSS-"

"-BANG!"

Especially if you scream them all very fast, in that order, late at night, and they're followed by a deafening explosion. But regardless of who screams it where or why it means sh*t just got real. And did I mention it's generally much, much worse for all of our sakes when it's the president of the Black Magic Club screaming that?

"Heh..._hehehe_..._woooo_...okaaaay then. Am I still alive?" Nekozawa gasped irregularly in the aftermath of the frenzied torrent of psychic energy, sitting himself upright with his back to a toppled bookshelf and placing his pale hand over his chest to check if his heart was in fact still beating. The question was mostly rhetorical; he knew with the exception of ghosts that dead people couldn't ask questions.

His voice did sound a little more delicate and higher-pitched to him, although he thought that was a reasonable enough fear-related after-effect when you almost just got your _spirit ripped from your tender human body by an insane lord of Hell and its eleven hundred million crystalline demons, into an alien dimension where time and memory are both controlled by the whims of a blood-drenched locust, which is sealed inside a fourth-dimensional city, at the deepest heart of a blazing pyramid, which itself is constructed out of mile-long spiked bones wrapped in pages from the Book of the Forbidden God Niisha! _

Man, had he ever f*cked that one up badly. Well that would certainly be the last time he tried casting a spell to cure his photophobia and bought the dragon bile, banshee essence, and ram horns he'd needed for the ritual on Craigslist...

"I'm still breathing, thank Tzeentch. But-oh _sh*t!_" he yelped in shock as he clutched at something unexpected. Alrighty then, _that_ was an interesting development to be sure.

"Bereznoff, it's your job to pinch me and make me wake up now," he practically begged his hand puppet. It's never a pretty sight when a grown man begs a hand puppet for anything, ever.

"Because I'm dreaming. _Hahaha_, that's what dreaming people do, they wake up eventually! Because I _am_ dreaming all of this, right Bereznoff?! You better say yes dammit! _WHY WON'T YOU SPEAK TO ME_-oh right, you can't talk yet."

Bereznoff, who had remained affixed to his master's hand even after the unexpected implosion of black magic, was indeed staying mute, and in doing so willingly or not offered no balm to this tortured soul.

"Oh f*ck me, I'm awake aren't I..." Nekozawa groaned as he huddled with his head in between his legs. Between his legs...he couldn't feel the familiar manly block'n'tackle there at all, no real surprise at this point.

"Could be worse, could be raining," he quoted from his favourite movie, Frankenstein.

A loosened ceiling tile hit him dead on the cranium, making him see stars for a second. Glancing down at his unfamiliar female body, the poor "boy" figured the least of his worries would be explaining away the wrecked state of his clubroom to the janitors in the morning.

Even though he was unbelievably wealthy and commanded unimaginably dark secrets at his fingertips, Nekozawa was something of a habitual loser in several important areas.

First on the roster of failings were friends. While he had improved vastly in that area in recent years, back in elementary school a typical instance of Nekozawa trying to interact with his peers at recess went like this:

Classmate 1: "So my Cleric's only level eight and she's already got a vorpal sword!"

Classmate 2: "The type that Balrogs drop?"

Classmate 3: "Well my dire mace is...um...hello there."

(Remember that creepy girl from The Ring? Remember the way she looks at you? Yeah, Nekozawa's been silently observing the schoolyard trio converse about RPGs with the exact same look in his eyes.)

Nekozawa: "When I get into fights I usually just reanimate half a dozen zombies, cast Mind Flayer's Blessing on myself and use Inflict Serious Wounds spells on anything really troublesome."

Classmate 2: "So uh, you like to play Dungeons and Dragons too, Nekozawa-kun?"

Nekozawa: "..."

Classmate 2: "Nekozawa-kun?"

Nekozawa: "What's Dungeons and Dragons?"

Second on the roster of failings was being unable to connect with his precious little sister. While not really his fault due to his acute photophobia he certainly didn't help the situation much with his hobbies. Electro-industrial heavy metal concerts, knowing his way around alcohol and firearms way more than was probably healthy for anyone, military memorabilia collections, My Little Pony fan conventions, he was into some hardcore shiz.

He at least had the good sense not to show her the forearm tattoo he had that few others knew about (a virgin-by-choice as well as circumstance like Nekozawa wasn't exactly the type of guy who regularly disrobed in front of a lot of different people). It was appropriately for him death-themed, depicting a shattering skeleton with blue glow-in-the-dark Cyrillic characters around it spelling out alchemical recipes.

Third and final on the roster of failings was being unable to stomach the taste of celery and cucumber together in the same salad, but that's not very important at the moment so we'll come back to that at a later chapter. Look, forget I even brought it up.

But this time he had set a new record in missing the mark, even by his own abysmal standards. Or to put it in commoner's speak the boy had done f*cked up good. Oddly enough all of his painstaking divining, scrying, fortune-telling, and Magic 8-ball shaking had predicted that casting this spell would help him wondrously with each of these three banes of his existence. Not like he held a single negative opinion about women as a gender, but how in bloody Hell was turning into a chick supposed to make those problems disappear?!

* * *

His regal-looking parents, appropriate enough given they were the descendants of royalty, looked at each other, looked at Umehito, and back at each other nervously. The three were seated, Umehito on one side of the room and his parents on the opposite, in the northernmost drawing room as he had requested. Umehito almost never initiated a family meeting, and his frantic tone had made it clear this was a bona fide emergency.

"Um, mom, dad, thanks for coming here at four in the morning. I've got something significant to tell you."

"Is it serious, Umehito?" his mom asked hesitantly.

"Most definitely. Mom, remember how you told me once that you'd been expecting a girl when you were pregnant with me because the doctors misread the chart? Well-heh, uh...how can I put this...I need to tell you that I'm honestly-"

His parents' faces turned pale. Not like they judging him, but they were shocked. They always assumed the reason he had never had a girlfriend was just because he was unpopular with the ladies (that was actually the real reason, sadly).

"That you're gay, right?" his dad asked.

"What-_NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ I'm a _girl_, dammit!" Nekozawa shrieked. And as he said so he stood up and his cloak billowed backwards, revealing a figure that was extremely curvy at the hips and thighs, with smooth slender legs and arms, a flat stomach, but most of all an especially well-endowed bust.

His mother covered her mouth in unbelievable shock, and his father was the first to say something even as he fell out of his chair. "Whip-bi-bah-_howwwwwww?!"_ he wheezed as he rolled side-to-side on the floor at the site of his own son having a body that would make a lingerie model jealous.

"First off, this was _not_ intentional. Let's just get that established. As you could probably guess though, this is indeed the result of a spell backfiring."

"What on _Earth_ were you trying to cast that turned you into a female?" his somewhat recomposed father asked as he unsteadily seated himself again.

"I was trying to cast a spell to rid myself of my photophobia so I could finally be around Kirimi. There is one piece of good news," he said as he folded back his hood and removed his wig.

"That part of the spell actually worked." Indeed, he was remaining unfazed by the many light sources in the drawing room. Nekozawa mumbled something about the law of equivalence as he looked down at his feet.

"Oh Umehito..." his mother hushed as she stood up and hugged him. After only a few seconds she released him though, feeling _those jugs_ pressed against her own chest gave her the heebie-jeebies.

"So then," Nekozawa said after an as-to-be-expected awkward silence. "What the hell are we going to do while I figure out a way to change back? I need to stay in school or I'll botch the upcoming exams, or worse be unable to be there at all to take them."

"I have a plan," his father mused. "But it relies on having someone teach you how to pass for a born female and instruct you about what's what and such, I can't do that."

"I'm sure the maids would be more than happy to help," his mom chipped in. "Their trust is assured, it can be just another family secret. Like those ghouls chained up in the basement.

"Excellent. Then Umehito," his dad snickered, "I think it's time you started acting like a lady."

Cue sound of Nekozawa's fragile sanity shattering. "Wai-wait, what-"

"So young 'master'", Kuretake the head maid chirped the next day in his bedroom, as she clapped her hands together and the other five servant girls in the room looked on giggling. "Our first step in Maidenly Conduct Practice is feminine attire. Let's start off with casual wear; my job is giving you something to wear that accentuates those luscious goods. If you've got it you might as well flaunt it!"

"Hold up. You never wear anything like that! I think you're enjoying this way too much."

"Oh, well that's _merely_ because I don't have the bodacious curves you do".

"Liar" he grumbled under his breath.

"Now let's play dress-up...I mean let's dress you up! Take it off."

"What?"

"Take. It. Off." Not a request, it was clearly a command. The servants looked on like a pack of wolves circling an injured deer. Didn't these girls have anything better to do with their time?

"Alright then, doesn't seem like I have much choice," he sighed a he gingerly removed his robe. No problems there. Next up were shoes and socks. Again, no problems there. Pants or shirt next? Well, seeing as he was not a cross dresser and therefore wasn't wearing a bra when he had transformed into Girl Type Neko, maybe he should remove the pants next. Doing do he was glad that his boxers _did_ as a matter of fact leave a lot to the imagination.

Next up was shirt. Okay, arms through the holes, up over the head and...oh wow. This was hot for him. Really hot. If only-wait, he was in the presence of his family servants and Kuretake, he could think about that stuff later. And last up were boxers. Down the legs they went, _don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlook-_

"Eep!"

_He looked._ Normally he would have certainly had been, well, _aroused _by this point, but seeing as he was missing some of his original components his body had to settle for almost fainting from a strange mix of embarrassment, bliss, and horniness.

"...young master?"

"Huh? Oh yes, I wasn't checking myself out or anything!"

"Haha!" he added in a forced laugh when he noticed they were still glaring at him.

"Young master, uh, your *cough* nose is bleeding quite heavily. Would you like a tissue?"

"What?" Blood was indeed leaking from his nose at a comical rate. "Oh sh*t, yes!"

"I have a feeling Master Umehito went through a lot of tissues as a boy, but not from nosebleeds..." one of the servants whispered to another.

"I heard that!" he yelled as he pointed a finger at the dirty-minded girl.

After several grueling hours of learning how to wear and walk in dresses, tops, skirts, flip-flops, heels (which he'd decided he hated with a passion), and truckloads of assorted underwear, Nekozawa felt like women's fashion was way more complex and humiliating than it had any reason to be. Partway through trying on swimwear there was a question that needed answering.

"Kuretake?"

"Yes?" she responded as she shortened an already scandalously high-cut miniskirt for the sole purpose of making him more embarrassed when he wore it.

"Is the entire women's designer fashion industry all an elaborate sexist scam perpetrated by a 44-year old balding misogynist living in his parent's basement?"

"You're wise beyond your years, young master" she sighed.

"You didn't answer the question" he pressed.

The knowing grin he received in return gave him all the information he needed.

* * *

"_I'm the mysterious transfer student huh? Way to feed directly into traditional anime cliché, dad" Nekozawa thought as he stood in front of his new homeroom._

"Class, this is Ulyana Nekozawa, our new transfer student from Russia" the teacher began. "She's none other than the distant cousin of our own Umehito Nekozawa, who by the way is taking an unscheduled break due to a lung infection. He left a rather cryptic message, let's see..."If you are at all religious please pray to the Twin Moons of Alda'yss for my recovery. And then he drew a bunch of disturbing occult symbols and images, they seem to be a Sumerian prayer of some sort, I'm just gonna crumple this note up now. So anyway Ulyana Nekozawa is a foreigner, as you can probably guess from her name and blond hair, but her Japanese is excellent so you should have no problems interacting with her. Now, do you have any questions for her?"

"Wait, the Nekozawa family is Russian?"

"This isn't really a question, but read my Fairy Tail and Black Butler yaoi!"

"Is it true in your country people strap Christmas trees to their heads during Easter?"

"Hot damn, check out that rack!"

"So are you free tonight? Like, I can treat you to dinner if you'll let me post naked pics of you on Instagram."

"Are you my mommy?"

"Actually no, I take it back, there will be no questions for Nekozawa-san," the teacher said, on the verge of tears. "God, why does this class get all the retards? Um, yeah, you can take a seat next to...eenie-meenie-minie-moe...Haruhi Fujioka over there."

He did just so, the rest of the class admiring the Russian hottie with the same awe that you'd look at one of those hot green alien chicks that show up in every science fiction story.

"Have we met somewhere before?" Haruhi whispered as he sat down.

"Uh, no."

"Oh. You just reminded me of your cousin I guess. I hope we can be friends," she smiled.

"Yeah, same here."

"_Friends...with a girl as girl? Doing things with each other...heheheheh..." _he began daydreaming with a vacant expression on his face.

"Nekozawa-san!" Haruhi was startled. The rest of the class was looking at him too. "Are you alright?"

"Uh, yeah I am. Why?"

"Your nose is bleeding! Sensei, can she have a tissue?"

"_It's gonna be a really long day..."_


	2. Chapter 2

**From Russia with Love**

**Chapter 2**

Howdy hombres! Sorry if you're a fan of Cloak and Dagger, and I will most certainly see it through to the end, but I'm taking a siesta from it to focus on this and some of my other projects I've got going as well.

But man do I love my Black Magic Club member OCs. Not as much as I love Neko though. NEKO POWER ACTIVATE!  
*turns into a Beleznoff plushie*

* * *

At long last, the school day was finally frickin' over. If "Ulyana" Nekozawa had to deal with any more giggly-girly small talk, or even another odd look when he was caught eyeing a fellow female, he was going to die of embarrassment or maybe just shame. And what he had seen in the locker rooms and showers after P.E. had almost caused him to faint, even if they were now among his most cherished memories. But _this place_ would make enduring Day One of this entire Hellish ordeal worthwhile, Nekozawa reassured himself as he stood in front of a familiar set of double-doors.

"My cherished Black Magic Club..." he hushed through his violet lipstick-covered lips.

All of Nekozawa's expertly-done Gothic-lolita style makeup had been applied courtesy of Kuretake. Nekozawa was nothing if not honest with himself, and he had to admit he did think the look actually suited him at the moment. "At the moment" being key, no way in Hell was he becoming a tranny when and if he ever switched back. He had made a vow last night that upon getting back his manly bits and pieces back he'd do nothing to remind him of this unexpected maidenhood. And he'd thought puberty had been an awkward phase to get used to.

Shortly after rapping thrice on the door in a self-confident manner (it was technically his club after all), he was greeted by Ryuya. Ryuya was the club tailor and an accomplished Forbidden Magic specialist, but most importantly to Nekozawa one of his oldest personal friends and one of the Club's founding members.

"Why, um...hello there. Sorry, I was kinda surprised, we don't get too many visitors down here," he laughed nervously.

"That's quite fine, I imagine you wouldn't," Nekozawa replied, trying to repress a knowing smile.

"Beautiful foreigners like you are a rarity too, and that goes for the whole school. I guess there's Tamaki, but I'm not gay," Ryuya grinned mischievously as he leaned on the doorframe to his left.

"_You have no idea how much you just proved yourself wrong about being gay if you think I'm hot"_ Nekozawa seethed to himself.

And this was getting weird for another reason too; Nekozawa had always known Ryuya to be rather introverted. Did he act that way whenever he wasn't around? No wait, unless...

"You must be new here. Would you like me to show you around the school sometime? Just the two of us?" Ryuya smirked as he tickled at the nape of "Ulyana"'s neck.

"_He's flirting with meEEE OH SH*T!" _Nekozawa's brain screamed as his adrenaline kicked all the way up to fight-or-flight mode.

"Um, that sounds great but I should let you know I'm sort of not into guys!" he then said aloud as he forced Ryuya's tickling fingers away. Crap, wait, what did he just say?

"Whu-... you're telling me _you're a lesbian?!" _Ryuya gasped.

"Er, well, kind of." Hey, it wasn't exactly a lie.

"That's um, I see...sorry, I must have made you very uncomfortable. My apologies, your name is-?"

"Ulyana. My full name is Ulyana Nekozawa."

"_WHAT?!_ You're _THAT_ 'Ulyana Nekozawa'? The same relative Nekozawa told us he was leaving the club to while he was absent?"

"None other. And you must be Ryuya-kun. He showed me your photograph."

"Oh geez, I'm so f*cking embarrassed..."

"_You're one to talk,"_ Nekozawa thought spitefully.

"What am I doing, here, come inside. I insist. It looks much better now than it did a night ago, we had to pay for professional cleaners and hazmat teams out of our own pockets" Ryuya said as he gestured into the welcoming darkness beyond the doorway. "Man the school was pissed royal about that. No clue what Pres was doing the night before he got ill but it couldn't have been pretty. And, erm, please don't mention my coming onto you to the oth-"

"_Too-late!"_ Ken, the club joker and Rattlebone Voodoo practicer, sang tunelessly as he lurched out of the darkness with a leer on his ultraviolet-ink painted face; essentially they were tattoos which were only visible in pitch dark. His unnatural expression made him look every bit like some supernatural beast of prey from his place in the room's threshold. Smacking Ryuya sharply on his back, he elaborated.

"We heard it all; you were both being pretty loud. We weren't even really trying to eavesdrop or anything."

"Hey, _I_ was eavesdropping..." Maaka, the club's Summoner and resident yaoi obsessive, corrected.

"Are you really a lesbian, Ulyana-san?" Reiko, the Back Magic Club Mistress of Curses asked, head cocked to one side and forefinger curled under her chin in curiosity. Reiko was also their usual go-between for diplomatic relationship with the Host Club due to her relationship with Hunny-kun. Right now she had asked a question that Nekozawa knew he had to address as honestly as possible. These were still his friends after all, and he was obligated to be open about himself even if was currently for all intents and purposes a striking young woman.

"Well, if you want to call me that I have no problem with it. I am indeed attracted solely to women. But I'd appreciate it if you would all keep this somewhat confidential, I would be embarrassed and probably bullied if the whole school found out."

"What makes you think you'd be bullied, Ulyana-chan?" Maaka asked worriedly.

"I've had some traumatic experiences with being ostracized by others in the past. Not as of the last few years, but I don't really want that to change back. I remember it dimly, which I think is for the best, but I do recall that even just waking up each day was quite hard."

"I understand exactly what you mean. That feeling of not wanting to die but at the same time not feeling you can live anymore?" Ryuya asked.

"Something tells me you and I are kindred spirits, Ryuya" Nekozawa smiled. His friends were his friends no matter what.

"Yeah, a buncha freaks like us have been left out of pretty much every group you can imagine," Ken said with an unusual mix of sorrow and lack of repentance. "Maybe my bourgeois little tattoos are just my way of overcompsating for-DON'T SAY IT, RYUYA."

Ryuya was smirking from ear to ear merely at Ken's use of the word "overcompensating". Nekozawa knew full well those two could be such clowns sometimes.

"I'm not saying anything. I don't even need to say it; I've seen it enough times to know it's true."

"_You take that back this second_ you lying s-"

"_Really?! Ohmigosh, which one of you usually goes on top? Wait, lemme guess, Ken!"_ Maaka asked excitedly. And that girl was even worse than the two of them put together.

"EWWWWWWWWW! I meant from getting changed together in Gym Class! Now I know exactly what they mean about girls having active fantasy lives!" Ryuya spat in disgust.

"_Yeah!_" Ken added in revulsion. "And more importantly why would I ever want to screw with another guy! I'm not gay!"

"You never know" Maaka countered bitterly, still crushed that another angsty boy-on-boy fantasy of hers was proven false.

And with Maaka's careless retort the entire room devolved into one of those teenaged "who-are-you-calling-gay-you-must-be-the-one-who's -gay" arguments. That is, all of them except for Nekozawa who had chosen early on to remain silent and ride out this train wreck quietly.

...though after eight minutes of escalating shouting his patience had run thin.

"Everyone!" he barked, causing them to jump in surprise at how officially this "new" President was already acting.

"None of you are anything other than heterosexual! Reiko-san is in a romantic relationship with Huninozuka."

"That is true" Reiko nodded.

"Ryuya-kun tried to get into my pants just now so that throws him out of the realm of suspicion."

"Looks like you're off the hook" Ken snickered. "How damn stupid do you have to be to flirt with a lesbo?"

"Ken has no fewer than five websites devoted to big-breasted Latinos in his laptop's favourites bar."

Ken's formerly smug face turned red and Ryuya began laughing like the maniac he was.

"And Maaka, you've got that yaoi thing."

"Yaoi is not a 'thing'! It is an art, and people should recognize it as such" she huffed.

"Wait a minute, hold up here" Ken asked in a shocked tone. "How'd you know that part about my favourites bar? I'm not stupid, I've never told anyone about that."

"Or about my relationship with Mitsukuni..." Reiko said as she narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Or my appreciation of boys love?" Maaka wondered.

"Um Maaka, I think she can figure that one out just by looking at you" Ryuya coughed.

"What do you mean by that?" Maaka asked back, pointing a finger and in the process showing her wrist was covered in hand-made bracelets with things written on them like "**AIN'T NOT PARTY LIKE A BOY ON BOY PARTY 3**" and "**MALE ORGY **_**LUVVVERS**_** UNITE!**".

"...oh."

"And Reiko, even if she is new here it's entirely possible Ulyana just overheard something about you and Hunny-kun" Ryuya continued. Nekozawa remembered now why he considered Ryuya to be his most loyal friend out of the bunch.

"But you're not answering my question. How'd you find that out?" Ken insisted.

The truth was a few weeks back Nekozawa had accidentally glanced over Ken's shoulder while he been "reading" and been surprised to see some very top-heavy women in various poses playfully looking back at him from the covertly-positioned screen. He'd chosen to keep quiet about it, it was during Ken's free time after club hours were over and it was therefore his own damn business. But telling them all this would blow his cover. He had to think fast. Then it occurred to him.

"You sat near to me at lunch, didn't you Ken?"

"Umm...yeah. I remember a blond chick sitting across and to the right. Was that you? I guess it must have been, actually."

"I believe so. I remember you were doing your homework or some-such. About the same time when you got up to get more coffee I thought I should check my Facebook page, to check on any updates about Umehito's condition. He posts on it regularly from the hospital, as he and I are quite close. Then I realized I had left my PDA in the library, and...well, I was just starting to get downright panicked thinking about him and your laptop was still open so I..."

"Ah. That's when you saw it" Ken breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes. I hope you can forgive me, I'm deeply sorry I blurted it out just now in front of all your friends. Although I will completely understand if you're still upset."

"No. You were only worried about someone we both care for; of course I can forgive you."

Success. Nekozawa made a mental note to create a Facebook account for Ulyana when he got home just in case Ken came checking anyway. Besides, he hated to think about it but he might be in this body for a while, and social networking could always prove useful.

"Still, something else seems off about all this" Ryuya said aloud.

"Dammit Ryuya, if you'd kept up your blind defense of me I would have promoted you" Nekozawa sighed inaudibly.

"Oh yeah. I didn't notice that" Maaka agreed while nodding vigorously.

"It is kind of a coincidence though, isn't it?" Reiko mused to the others.

"Hmm? What are you all referring to?" Nekozawa blinked.

"Hey, yeah," Ken concurred. "I mean that you would transfer in just in time to take Nekozawa's place as Club President the moment he got hospitalized."

"Haha! Yeah. Funny how that works out..." the one in the room who was secretly Umehito-made-woman laughed nervously. His cover story had totally sucked, granted, but he'd like to see another guy try better _after an exhausting and degrading night being forced to model partially see-through underwear and skimpy swimsuits tailor-made for him by Kuretake_. He wondered about that woman sometimes.

"Meh, just one of life's crazy coincidences I guess" Ken shrugged. Apparently the rest of the room had simply lost interest; now it was Nekozawa's turn to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Well, now that we've got our mandatorily awkward introduction out the way," he began, "I'm going to lay down some ground rules. First, I am to be given all the respect and dedication I am sure you give to my cousin while he is away. I know that is what he wants at the moment. Understood?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"Fine."

"Whatever."

"Wonderful. Next, Umehito told me to remind you all that unless you're President yourself, the sodas in the fridge are only there if you forget to bring your own. He said that really gets to him. And finally, just a heads-up. We will be redirecting most of our efforts into researching new spells. Let me just say I have a vested interest in this, and whoever can aid me in magicrafting a particular transformation ritual I have in mind will be rewarded _especially_ well..."


	3. Chapter 3

**From Russia with Love**

**Chapter 3**

'Sup homefries! I'm really pleased with the way this chapter turned out. And if you have any suggestions or comments please leave a review. I read every one, they're like the fuel that keeps me goin!

* * *

Two days had passed since "Ulyana" Nekozawa's supposed debut to "his" club. He had been measured and fitted for a new outfit in record time, crafted with wondrous otherworldly beauty by Ryuya. The top was a purple affair which bared the midriff, tight at the chest but very loose along the arms. It was resplendent with green trim and golden highlights placed on strategic areas, with a sort of combed-down array of exotic multi-colour dyed feathers tracing down the sleeves, and strings of lapis lazuli and amethyst set into dark leather ribbons trailing off the integrated hood like braids. Stitched down the back was a Latin phrase stitched in shimmering ruby-red silk, "**DE MORTUIS AUT BENE AUT NIHIL**", which meant "speak well of the dead or not at all". Nekozawa had personally specified those words in particular be incorporated somehow into the new design.

A separate piece which was somewhere in length between a dress and a skirt, with a split incorporated over the front of the left leg which widened on its way down, was the lower part of the outfit. An unblinking eye inside a pentagram was painted on the swatch of fabric over the front right. This ensemble partially covered the custom-made, form-fittingly tight black leggings which added to the slightly deathly, risqué feel of the outfit.

There was also a separate mask which Ryuya said he'd made just for fun and that Nekozawa didn't have to wear, but damn if it didn't make him look mystical so he'd gone with it anyway. It was simple yet effective; a blank white for the main component, a kind of flush-fitting diamond shape which almost covered Nekozawa's entire face. This white canvas of sorts was then traced over with swirls of different crushed chitins mixed with various inks, creating a completely alien design pattern. Fine black dress shoes and likewise coloured gloves with delicate silver chain around the wrists completed the look. Overall Umehito had to hand it to Ryuya, he was a genius at his craft. What could Nekozawa say, he felt sort of naked unless he was clad in macabre attire.

And by now Friday had come and gone, and Golden Week was here, and Nekozawa realized he had no clue as to what he was going to do for his vacation. He was brainstorming by his personal shrine to the Elder Gods in the Black Magic clubroom, the rest of his group looking on in awe. No doubt they incorrectly thought he was pondering something more profound than how he could kill time most efficiently for four whole days. After twelve minutes of solid meditation he wondered if his friends could be any more annoying even though they were being perfectly silent.

"_Those morons, some days they act like honest-to-Hell bootlickers. It's almost refreshing they don't worship the ground 'Ulyana' walks on at least. Wait, those morons might be my ticket out of boredom! Now that particular idea could prove most fun." _

He'd almost forgotten that this incident had carried with it the benefit of his photophobia being lifted. He'd always secretly wanted to do _that_, and if he could bring his friends along all the better! Standing up in a practiced maneuver from his cross-legged lotus position on the floor, he cleared his throat and proposed something quite different from the prophecy or divination the others were expecting.

"Everyone, your lives as of now may as well be a shojo manga/anime. Because this Golden Week the Black Magic Club is going to have their mandatory beach episode for the fans!" he stated boldly.

"Um, okay. Sounds fun. But Ulyana-san..." Ken started in a confuzzled tone.

"Yes?"

"Since when do we have fans?"

"You know what I mean."

* * *

Fast-forward to a bit before noon the next day at Goddess Oasis, a sprawling, ultra-luxurious resort not far from Okinawa. Among many other features at this Earthbound paradise there was in fact a private beach. In the midst of the obsessively manicured gardens snaking up to the beach as if offering nature's blessing to that endless sea beyond, the Black Magic Club were doing their thing curiously not looking all that out of place. Well, the two girls and guy-turned-girl anyway.

Reiko was wearing a modest black one-piece and catching up on some classic literature while reclining on one of the adjustable chairs. Maaka was wearing a most immodest light blue, practically nonexistent string bikini and catching up on some of her yaoi backlog while drawing the eyes of every male within a five-mile radius with her impossibly sexy figure and lack of garb. Even the other guys in the club were secretly thinking it was a shame she didn't dress that way every day, Nekozawa included. Speaking of being unsubtle, Ryuya had been caught four times now trying to look down several women's ample cleavage lines, Maaka being one of them. The poor boy had some problems with self-control in that regard so you couldn't really blame him. Well, kind of, he was still a perv nonetheless. As for Ken, he was really no better than Ryuya in that the number of times he had been caught doing the exact same thing was nine. Maybe he shouldn't have worn a t-shirt with his swim trunks, the various cocktails thrown at him by the irritated lounging females were going to cost a lot to launder out.

And as for Nekozawa, "he" was wearing a violet bikini, one of (by now this should go without saying) Kuretake's handiworks. A seriously racy amount of skin was shown by the skimpy outfit, particularly in the chest area, but it still wasn't as bad as if he'd had to wear Maaka's. Not like he would be able to fill out any clothing made for a girl of Maaka's proportions anyway, she could almost double for one of those ditzy girls that show up in every pulp manga or anime nowadays just for there to be big boobs so the male otakus would buy a copy. Almost, that is, if she wasn't actually fairly intelligent and clever and with a brilliant hidden creative side too. But back to Nekozawa, he was walking through the thigh-deep water, savouring the feeling of the liquid lapping up against his ivory skin. This was something he'd only dreamed about before, and now he could go out in the sun whenever he damn near felt like it. While he waded in and out of the deeper areas, taking as much time to enjoy himself so it looked like he was moving in super-slow-motion, Nekozawa looked like a goddess of the sea or maybe even serenity.

"_F*CK! I ALMOST STEPPED ON A MOTHERF*CKIN' SEA URCHIN! I HATE THESE PIECES OF SH*T!" _he suddenly shouted, completely shattering the illusion that he was anything resembling a proper woman. He still had a long way to go...

"Woah Maaka, Ulyana's got some mouth on her" Ryuya observed.

"Um, yeah. She does. Could you please stop looking at my breasts? It's getting old now" Maaka sighed as she tried to cover her bosom with the free arm that wasn't holding her manga, though it needed to be pointed out that it was pretty much pointless to try covering Maaka's well-endowed chest with anything smaller than a tarp.

"What are you two talking to each other about?" Reiko asked. She had apparently gone all silent hunter on them and snuck up undetected while they were talking.

"Uh. Nothing?"

"Right, 'nothing'. Sexual harassment is not 'nothing', Ryuya."

"MAAKA!" Ryuya screamed.

"Do you want me to curse him for you? I can make him a little less of a man, if you understand what I'm getting at."

"REIKO!" he screamed again, louder this time.

"What's all this screaming about?" Nekozawa asked as he and the others came running up.

"Oh f*ck me..." Ryuya mumbled as he facepalmed. Some guys were born losers, and some others were born perverts. Ryuya could sometimes be a little of both.

"What the heck? Bro, are they...no, it can't be them. Fun in the sun would be way too out of character for those guys," a familiar voice nearby spoke. Wait. A. Minute. Nekozawa recognized that voice, but why was he associating it with mischief and annoyance?

"Kaoru, I think it _is_ them! Holy crap!" Bingo.

Hikaru, Kaoru, and for that matter the rest of the Host Club came racing up to the Black Magic Club, both swimwear-clad sides thoroughly confused by the others' presence.

"What the hell are you guys doing here?" Ulyana demanded.

"Well that's rather impolite. We heard someone shouting and thought there might have been an accident so we came to check it out" Kyoya responded matter-of-factly as he adjusted his glasses. Seriously, he wore them while swimming? Would he die without them or something?

"Now it's your turn. What are _you_ guys doing here?" Tamaki asked, pointing a finger at the opposing club.

"Tamaki, don't be rude" Haruhi sighed.

"We happen to be staying at this resort for Golden Week" Nekozawa sneered with his hands on his hips. "Erm, don't tell me?"

"Yup! We are too! That means I'll get to spend a whole lot of time together with you, Reiko-chan!" Hunny cheered as he hugged his girl.

"Oh my" Reiko tittered.

"By the way, is that you Ulyana?" Haruhi inquired.

"In the flesh...somewhat literally" Nekozawa replied as he glanced down at his exposed curves.

"Don't worry, I normally don't like skimpy suits but I think it looks good on you. You can really pull it off, you and I should go shopping for some girly things sometime" she smiled back in response.

Naughty daydream and nosebleed time. If only Haruhi would take off that damn shirt she was wearing to camouflage in as a dude.

"Ulyana?! Are you alright? You look dazed! Oh my gosh you're bleeding!"

"Yeah, I think I just got some seawater up my nose or something! I'll be at the beach house!" Nekozawa yelled over his shoulder as he sprinted away.

"Hmm. That girl gets a lot of nosebleeds around other girls I hear. Hikaru, do you think..." Kaoru began with a perverted smirk on his face.

"I'd say there's no doubt about it at this point, bro" Hikaru snickered. "My, the Black Magic Club seems to be staring uncomfortably at their feet. Did we stumble onto a little Nekozawa family secret?"

"Hikaru, Kaoru, don't gossip about these things. It's rude" Kyoya said. "And whatever do you mean by 'other girls'? Haruhi is as much a man as you are, correct?"

"Yeah" Mori affirmed.

"_But wow!_ A real-life le-" Hunny began before Mori covered his mouth and then offered him a snow-cone to keep him occupied.

"Hmm? What are we all talking about?" Haruhi blinked.

"Yeah! I don't get it at all" a perplexed Tamaki asked.

"Wait, you two seriously can't read between the lines?" Ken asked, amazed.

"I'm not gonna tell you if you don't know it by now. It probably means you're both too young to be talking about this stuff anyway" Maaka said.

"Yes. The naivety of these two young innocents must be protected" Reiko agreed, laying down the law for the whole group

Dead, awkward silence reigned as Haruhi and Tamaki continued asking what everyone was so worked up about. Needless to say, they were the only ones present who hadn't solved the puzzle much earlier back at school during "Ulyana" Nekozawa's debut.

* * *

Subsequently that evening at Hunny and Reiko's shared suggestion, the two clubs decided to meet for dinner in one of the rentable private lounges. Hosts on one side of the long table, Black Magicians on the other. About three hours or so into the multi-course meal, Kyoya had already bored everyone except for himself close to death with the droning details of some hostile takeover between two rival medical corporations no one really cared about. And when boredom was present, and the twins were present as well, it was a bad mix.

"So, do you think we should change the subject Hikaru?" Kaoru asked his brother with a sly grin.

"I think we should, Kaoru" the sibling replied.

"Yes, please do" Nekozawa sighed in relief as he signalled for a refill of his mango-lemon blended drink.

"What sort of girls are you into, Ulyana?" Kaoru smiled.

Nekozawa nearly fell out of his chair.

"W-why whatever do you mean?" he shakily asked.

"You know perfectly well what I mean."

"Wait, Ulyana-san, are you...oh. Well I have no problems with that." Haruhi said disinterestedly, finally having put two and two together.

"_What are all you talking about?!" _Tamaki shrilled. "I always feel so left out of these things! Ulyana can't like girls, she _is_ a girl!"

"Tamaki you bloody idiot, I'm a lesbian!" Nekozawa hissed.

"_Lala-lesbians-"_ Tamaki babbled indecipherably before fainting face-first in his seafood. He'd had a somewhat understandably profound fear of lesbians ever since that bad run-in with the Zuka Club.

Nekozawa had never felt more humiliated. Okay, so he had, but still. This was the final straw, time to manipulate these wannabe puppet-masters a little.

He'd known about Haruhi's true gender from day one of her coming to Ouran thanks to his True Vision self-enchantment he'd cast at the time. That spell enabled him to read a person's surface thoughts, and when he'd very briefly seen Haruhis' it was quite clear she was a female, albeit an unusual one. And that slip-up the twins had made during their run-in at the beach about "other girls" proved it. Now he could use that knowledge to make the Hosts thoroughly wish they hadn't brought this delicate issue up. He knew how protective they were of their precious "secret" and he was about to shake the foundations their little lie stood on. Cruel? Maybe, but hey, the truth would come out sooner or later anyway if these were the fools guarding it.

"Well you know, I've always liked the androgynous type. You know, shortish hair, maybe in a brown? Oh, with big eyes. And she would have to be cute enough to be popular with both girls and boys. I'm getting all giddy now, I'd love seeing her in the Ouran boys uniform. Personality-wise, I guess slightly tomboyish with a really kind, encouraging demeanor who doesn't mind kids at all. Lastly, it would be perfect if she could also cook and was an excellent studier and voice of reason _for a group of idiots horrible at keeping things under wraps._ How's that for a dream girl?"

Everyone on the other side of the table was now staring back with wide eyes and open jaws. "F*ck, she knows" was written all over every one of their faces.

"Hey Ulyana, that's kinda funny!" Ken laughed. "You almost perfectly described Haruuuu...oh snap."


	4. Chapter 4

**From Russia with Love**

**Chapter 4**

A chapter a day keeps boredom at bay! Man do I love writing. I'll admit, for a story that's supposed to be about Nekozawa this chapter is mainly about my OCs. But they're members of the Black Magic Club too, so I hope that's alright with you in some way. More importantly I think the story and humour themselves turned out very well. Remember to R&R!

* * *

Saying the atmosphere was now uncomfortably tense/nervous would be a gross understatement. Ever the strategist, Hunny figured he could work his signature brand of friendship forging here.

"Well...ha. How about we all forget about this over dessert? I snuck a peak into the kitchen earlier, there'll be mousse and cake and-"

"_Fuck you and yo' cake, b*tch!"_ Hikaru yelled back as he slammed his fist hard into the table, so hard that he nearly sprained his wrist much to Nekozawa's dark delight. "How the hell did this booty loving princess here find out Haruhi was a girl?"

"Hikaru." Kyoya had only spoken one word to command attention, which even for the normally introverted young man was a rarity. "I'm as irritated and mystified as you are, but you are behaving like a brain-dead social incompetent in front of our rivals. So please, for my dignity if not your own, shut up."

"You're one to talk about social graces! _You_ wouldn't shut the flip up during dinner and that's why we got bored and this whole thing got started!" Kaoru joined in.

"Stay out of this, Kaoru! This is between me and Kyoya!" Hikaru interjected.

"You retard, I was _trying_ to defend you!"

"_Both_ of you shut up and leave Ulyana-san alone. Thanks for stepping in, Kyoya," Haruhi groaned as she tried in vain to enjoy her meal.

"She came on to you! Don't tell me you enjoyed it?!" Kaoru asked.

"Of course not! Leave me out of your perverted alone-time fantasies! I just thought what you said was way, way too mean."

"I hope there are different types of cake we can choose from for dessert, Usa-chan!" Hunny said to his plushie as he ignored this unimpeded atrocity of a formal occasion.

"..." Mori remarked as he remained perfectly motionless.

"...gralwargabbbli..." Tamaki drooled, still passed out in his food.

The Black Magic Club was literally awestruck by the sheer stupidity unfolding across from them. Insults were flying, old grievances were being dredged up, new insults and curse words were being coined, and priceless cutlery was soon enough being hurled clear across the room only to embed itself in the wall.

"Remind me why these guys get all the chicks again?" Ken asked Ryuya.

"I know, right? And we're stuck with 'let's just be friends' bullcrap and watching reruns of Girls Bravo all by ourselves in our rooms."

"...you watch Girls Bravo?"

"Errrr..."

"Poor Mitsukuni, he merely wished to defuse the situation and his noble gesture was almost literally thrown in his face" Reiko sighed.

"It's like I keep saying. This is why it would be so much better if men were more like their yaoi counterparts" Maaka opined.

"Why don't you realize that's never going to happen?" Ryuya asked.

"Why don't you go back to your suite and watch your ecchi. You may act like I'm such a loser but we're basically both into anime porn in the end."

"Girls Bravo isn't an ecchi! It's an erotic fantasy romp through the charming tale of a blossoming young man's adolescence!"

"Dude. I have zero respect for you as of now" Ken mumbled with his face firmly planted in his hands.

Nekozawa was nearing his breaking point.

"What? If you wanted me to loan it to you all you had to do was ask!" Ryuya replied to Ken.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR GODDAMN ECCHI!"

"I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT AN ECCHI!"

That was it. That really did it, to Hell with this.

"All of you, all of you, I have another announcement to make" Nekozawa began and was of course immediately and completely drowned out by the medley of chaos unfolding around him.

"_I SAID LISTEN UP YOU WORTHLESS WADS OF-" _he started to scream andthe entire room froze_. _Except for Mori, who was already doing his award-winning statue impersonation.

"Ah, thank you for heeding my call for attention. I just have four things to say. First of all, let's hear it for the twins. They took what could have been merely a boring evening wherein you all just sat here awkwardly, and they turned it into a f*cking disastrous evening where you all made complete fools of yourselves. With this little temper tantrum I guess I can add myself to that list, can't I?"

Although they were still trying to look like they didn't care, both brothers had an expression on their face indicating they knew what Ulyana was blasting them with was true in its own way.

"Second, if you are the people whose genes will be passed on to the next generation then there is no hope for the human race as a species. I am thinking particularly of the twins."

Well, that was harsh.

"Third, I am downright embarrassed to be the same species plain and simple as you mentally deficient epithet-loving hyenas. Again, the twins come to mind foremost."

Ouch.

"And finally, as for four; I just showed you all my nasty side. I like to consider myself a patient person, even a caring person, at the very least not the total bitch I am right now, but if you test my limits like this again so help me there will be blood. Literally. I'll be in my room, I do expect to feel better by tomorrow, _and no one try to talk to me tonight._"

With that, Nekozawa stormed off while cussing loudly in Russian, leaving a stunned roomful of people behind him. After a few seconds of pained silence, the survivors of that verbal onslaught picked themselves up and headed back to their own rooms like scolded children. Everyone, that is, with the sole exception of Hunny.

"Usa-chan...d-do you realize what this mean?!" Hunnya asked his plush bunny all wide-eyed as a confused waiter wheeled the cart containing the final course into the room.

Hunny shook the toy's head in a jerky nodding motion.

"That's right Usa-chan! It means we get everyone else's dessert sweets and cake all to ourselves! _Hip-hip-hooray!"_

* * *

Arms folded disappointedly in front of his chest, Ryuya paced in a repeating loop on his resort room's game room carpet, as though his Italian-loafer clad feet were stuck on "Repeat". It wasn't actually the sting of Ulyana's ragequit at dinner that had him feeling uncomfortable and introspective. Rather, Maaka had been getting to him on this trip. But not like she'd been annoying him at all. Okay, maybe she had, but not any more so than usual. It also wasn't because it was anything related to Maaka's omnipresent fetish for anything related to forbidden love.

"_Not like anything is still genuinely "forbidden" at all in this day and age"_ Ryuya paused to fume internally as he flicked his fingernail absentmindedly back and forth at his eyebrow and ear piercings.

He may have been something of a little perv in his own right, but the quiet boy had read extensively on what had brought down countless prior empires that thought themselves invincible. He was basically a conservative prude at heart (notwithstanding the whole occult thing, he wasn't giving that up for any reason, ever). Although the simple, basic fact that he was an occasionally squeamish heterosexual was probably the main reason he found all that guy-on-guy stuff icky.

In reality, what was "bothering" him so much was her medium-long chestnut brown hair that reflected and absorbed the light in perfect proportions, the way she walked with a literal skip to her tempo, her giggling bubbly laugh, those mischievous green eyes, those enormous breasts that bounced a little when she-...sweatdropping, he was pretty sure he should stop right there before he got all hot and bothered.

"If only I could stop thinking about dirty stuff for fifteen fricking seconds. Gah, and what sort of girl wants the dreariest, most disturbed guy this side of a Norwegian black metal band?" he asked out loud in all seriousness.

Heh, Maaka did actually like a lot of dirty stuff, maybe she even liked black metal, you never knew. Freeze frame. That was it! He wouldn't know if he didn't try. And if he didn't at least try he had already lost by default.

Trailing his fingers through his short, gelled, dark blue hair, he instantly had the plan reciting mentally in his mind. Well, not so much a plan as a self-confidence boosting speech he was currently in the process of saying to himself. Because his plan was to simply go down the hall to Maaka's room, knock on her door, and ask her out like the proper gentleman he'd always wished he could have been.

On that note, as he was leaving he glared at the stack of shojo-ai DVD boxsets and dating sims he had semi-covertly brought on this trip and grumbled "If I wind up as a dateless, dirty old man it'll be because of you guys..." Ryuya then grabbed a waterproof, dark satchel he'd been saving for a purpose like this and left the room; it was the longest trek to a room merely two doors down from his in his life.

About a half minute brisk walk down the hall later, he was standing in front of the door to Maaka's suite. He had almost expected to start feeling nervous and turn around halfway like the quitter he usually ended up as, but here he was. And feeling perfectly fine to boot, and not even a single butterfly in the stomach so to speak.

_Knock!_ No answer. _Knock-knock-knock!_ Again, nothing.

"_Wait, she might be busy or listening to music or she could be taking a nap or really any number of things" _he realized._ "Or maybe she's not in her suite at all, I should check the-"_

The door opened and a dazed Maaka was leaning against a nearby oak-panelled wall.

"Hmm? Oh, hi Ryuya. Sorry I didn't answer at first, I meant to lie down about an hour ago and I guess I fell asleep. The beds here are so comfy. Ha, I might just ask go ahead and ask them what down they fill the pillows with so I can get it at home. Sorry, I'm rambling. Is there something you need?"

"...yeah. Actually there is. Maaka, I was wondering. Would you care for another swim?"

Ryuya had been splashing and frolicking with Maaka for an enjoyably good while now and the sun was almost entirely down over the other side of the shimmering horizon. Normally Ryuya would never dream of "frolicking" for enjoyment but this was with a girl and no one else was watching, so he could make an exception in this case.

"Thanks for inviting me out here with you, Ryuya!" Maaka grinned. "You're right, it's more fun to come out here when nobody's around and we get the whole place to ourselves. Plus you really are good company."

"If you think that now, wait until you see what I have for you" Ryuya replied.

He unfastened the satchel he had kept tied around his waist the whole evening, removing from it a single, pristine rose. He knelt low in an intentionally self-parodying sort of royal bow. The seawater dripping from his hair gave the ordinarily handsome but otherwise unremarkable teenager a rather striking effect, and with one hand pressed to his smooth boyish chest he presented the simple but profound gesture with the other arm outstretched to his goddess.

"For my lady, who is more brilliant and vibrant than any work of art in any of the world's finest museums."

She positively beamed at the cheesy line and eagerly took the token in both hands, clasping it to her heart. It may have been a small flower in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical sense it was now legendary to her. Her smiling was good news for Ryuya; it was that obviously aware "He's trying to say something to me, I know what it is, and I like it" smile that girls can do.

"But...may I ask where you got this from?" she blushed, cocking her head.

"Oh, I have my sources," he smirked.

Meanwhile Tamaki was frantically sorting through his chest of King's Personal Possessions in his room when Kyoya barged in.

"Tamaki, what the hell are you doing if I may be so bold? I'm trying to get an early rest for tomorrow and all I can hear in my bedroom is objects being tossed around and manic whining coming from in here."

"Kyoya! Oh thank God you're here! It's my treasure chest! Try to follow me, you know those roses I always have, I keep them in here, alright?!"

"...alright."

"_One's missing!"_

"..."

"Ky-...-oya?"

"I'm heading back to my room now. If you disturb me again at all I will kill you. Goodnight." He turned off the light switch on the way out, perhaps for no other reason than to leave our panicked young prince shuddering in the dark.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, the sun was now down and Ryuya figured now was the time to ask.

"Maaka...this is really sudden, and I know I must be putting you on the spot with this but...oh man. I love you. I have for a while, maybe the day I first saw you come to Ouran. I still remember how normal you looked. Ha, just a little joke there. Um, w-will you be my girl? I'll make you the happiest woman alive, I swear it."

"Sure. Like I can do any better than that" she smiled teasingly as she hugged him with the tem of the rose still entwined between her fingers. And then she kissed him. On the lips. Ryuya jumped a little, he hadn't expected it to go _that_ well. Unfortunately his luck or the evening had apparently finally tapered off. As he jumped in surprise he slipped on a discarded candy wrapper and knocked Maaka over, landing on top of her in the process.

"_Oof!"_ Maaka exclaimed as she fell. "Uh, don't you think that's jumping the gun a tad there, hot stuff?" she asked, squirming a little under his weight.

Ryuya meant to apologize profusely and get up. Instead his embarrassed, rattled mind had to settle for stuttering the nigh meaningless _"A-hahm-ss-sroy-ahm-so-sorry!"_ and merely rolling off of her while still lying on the ground.

"Don't worry, I saw you slip on that Kit-Kat bar, I'm only being playful. Or maybe just weird, whatever you want to call it I'm cool with it. Really though, I know you're actually a sweet guy at heart Ryuya. You may act like a perv during your off moments but you would never actually take advantage of a girl, would you?"

"You're absolutely right about that, Maaka" Ryuya sighed. "As bizarre as it sounds, for someone who can objectify women so much I actually have a lot of respect for them. I think that's just part of being a hypocrite though."

"I don't view you as a hypocrite at all, Ryuya. More like a delightful, quirky puzzle" Maaka grinned as she rolled on top of him in a reversal of their previous position.

"_Maaka w-what are you up to?"_ he asked breathlessly.

"Relax dude. I just wanna make out a little, to make this evening complete. Why, did you want me to-"

"There you guys are!" Ken yelled as he and Reiko, now the Offiicial Duo of Comedic Bad Timing, yelled as he ran up to the two in their extremely compromising positions. "Where have you been. We thought we'd get some-_WHAT THE_...holy f*ck. Err, does Ryuya have some secret smooth moves he never told me about or were you guys just having a horizontal hugging contest and got carried away?"

"_Sh*t!_" Ryuya cursed as he and Maaka distanced themselves from each other. "We were just kissing, but, well, okay, no we weren't but-"

"If you weren't kissing, in that position, in this secluded area you slinked off to without telling anyone, then what were you doing?" Reiko asked with deep suspicion.

Maaka was too embarrassed to answer at all. Ryuya thought he'd just keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately their silence was interpreted by Reiko and Ken as an admission of guilt.

"Whatever, I'm going back now that we know what went down...man that was awkward. Sorry to ruin your first time bro, although I'd appreciate it if you could give me some tips later" Ken said.

"_That's it...I'm going to pick the lock on his door and smother him with a pillow tonight"_ Ryuya thought.

As Ken and Reiko began walking away, Maaka leaned in next to him and said "Man that threw cold water on things, didn't it? I can't believe they think we were going to go and do _that_ after what I'd consider just a first date."

"Heh, you're right about that. And don't worry about stuff along those lines by the way, I'm a patient man. I can actually wait, believe it or not."

And then she whispered something that made his ears turn red.

"If that's what you want. But if you keep playing your cards right like this...you may just get it soon enough, bad boy."


End file.
